Cloud

I have been thinking that there might be a reader or two that followed our adventure in the desert and wonders how that all panned out. With those people in mind, let me testify.

Early into my blogging, I posted that my husband had lost his job. This came on the heels of a self-employment endeavor from which he received no income for almost a year but had incurred some debt as a result of the overhead associated with running a business.

I later blogged about the bank threatening to foreclose on our house, about my dad having a stroke, about a fire caused by a defect in our clothes dryer that left us temporarily "homeless" (I acknowledge that the word homeless is a giant misnomer since this world is not home, anyway) and at the tail end of this string of unfortunate events, how my body declared "uncle" and fell prey to illness. It was a ride. I was back on the Ferris Wheel that I blogged about in one of my initial posts. Let me tell you what I saw this time:

I witnessed He who is in me, being greater than he who is in the world. The bank threatened us day after day for almost a year with harassing phone calls, while repetitively telling us that they could offer no solution to our dilemma except for a short sale or deed in lieu (until I cried foul and told them to stop calling and just do what they needed to do.) In the end, though nothing had changed in our finances and we had long since stopped asking, the bank suddenly decided to refinance the loan and we are still in our home.

I watched The Great Physician bring my dad back from the stroke restoring his mobility, his verbal ability, and his cognition.

I saw God's perfect timing. The funds from the fire claim came through just days after signing the refinance documents with the bank. Because the loan was in good standing, those funds allocated to repair the damages to our house were not confiscated by the bank but were used for their intended purpose.

I saw all things work together for our good (being that we are called according to His purpose.) That fire only damaged the dryer, its contents, and caused smoke damage to a few things that we could live without and/ or needed to replace, anyway. No one was hurt. The contents that were damaged have been replaced and there is not even the smell of smoke.

I learned how the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. The doctor and the specialist that I visited gave me a diagnosis that had "no cause" and "no cure." The doc let me know that there was nothing "natural" that I could do to correct the condition and the specialist prescribed a toxic cocktail of prescription drugs. The Great Physician told me, in my quiet time with Him, that I was going to be all right. He then directed me to a naturopathic doctor (my 3rd) that specialized in these things, who helped me discover what the underlying cause of my condition was and helped me regain my health. No pills required; Just the tools that God has provided.

I stood with God and watched him take loaves and fishes and turn them into more than enough with some left over. When my husband did find a job after being laid off, the pay was significantly less than he had been receiving. It seemed that our budget had already been thin but, somehow with less than before, every need was met. In the midst of the leanness, God amazed us by providing for every. single. situation. And, we were able to sow seed elsewhere.

And, last July, I saw a fist in the sky the size of a man's hand. My hubby began to excel in his new field and I could smell rain on the horizon after the long draught. In December, he received a year-end bonus that blew our minds. We were able to pay off all of our debts, with the exception of our mortgage, and end the year unshackled.

So now, after that long dry season, with a body that is once again able to, we are simply dancing in the rain.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Reassessment

So I have to admit that I have been kicking around the idea that perhaps I had reached the end of this blogging experience. Maybe I have said all that needs to be said aloud and should retreat to my personal journals to satisfy my writing "jones". Maybe the world has moved past blogging.

But, at the end of the day, this blog is not now, nor has it ever been about me. I am not here to win a Pulitzer. I am here because, as I've established from the inception of this thing, I felt a tug on my heart to serve as scribe and witness to my amazing God. So, as God gives me the words to say, I will continue to be a very small voice proclaiming his goodness in the overwhelmingly loud wilderness that is the internet. It is my honor to serve.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

The View From the Summit

Although the official day of thanksgiving has passed, I cannot let the season slip away without acknowledging with gratitude, what seems to finally be the end of a Job season and the commencement of rest.

If you've followed this blog, then you know that I've made no secret of the challenges and set-backs that have littered my path. The last several years have felt like an ascent up the jagged side of Mount Crazy harnessed only by the caribiner of faith, with God as my scout. On many occassions, I told the Lord that, "I don't understand, but I trust you so, I will keep climbing" and now, we seem to have finally reached our destination. It is exilharating. I have to pause and marvel, once again, at God's provision and protection.

During this season of tribulations, I have been safer swinging from jagged rock under the watchful eye of my Lord and Saviour, than I would have been with both feet planted firmly on level ground without him. And, for that, I am extremely thankful.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:38-39

"I See Dead People"

I have noticed a troubling phenomenon in the church lately that the famous line uttered by Haley Joel Osment in the movie The Sixth Sense* sums up beautifully. "I see dead people." The 21st century church seems to be experiencing a zombie apocalypse. It is filled with folks with lifeless eyes, and eery, waxed on smiles that say the right buzz phrases and appear to be in motion but, are not alive with the spirit of God. They, like zombies, seem suspended between two worlds, neither dead to the things of this world nor fully alive in Christ. The result is folks that are powerless, ineffective in the battle, and just plain old creepy.

2 Corinthians 5:17 declares, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ Jesus, he is a new creation. The old has passed away and behold all things are new." Accepting Christ requires that one lay aside one's old behaviors and perspectives and allow oneself to be created anew. The eighth chapter of Romans describes in detail what life in the spirit consists of, Galatians 2:20 verifies that, "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless, I live; yet not I but Christ liveth in me", and Jesus himself told Nicodemus that, "unless a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." (John 3:3) All of these passages make it clear that we are not to remain as we were when we came to Christ. We are to be transformed by the relationship. No zombies allowed.

Just for the record, the only zombie that I've ever loved was the delicious cheese zombie served in my high school cafeteria which consisted of the perfect marriage of thick bread and gooey cheddar cheese, made to be dunked in creamy tomato soup which accompanied it.

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? it is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled by men." Matthew 5:13

*(aside: I have never seen the movie, but the quote was just that popular)

This IS What I Signed Up For

I signed up to take up my cross and follow Christ into a painful death of self.
I signed up to stand through trials and hardships, overcoming by the blood of The Lamb.

I signed up for more of God and less of me- to plumb the depths of who He is and to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.

I signed up to be salt and light; to share the truth of Christ with those in darkness.
I signed up to know God and the fellowship of his suffering.

Why?

"For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come." Hebrews 13:14

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things that are seen, but at things which are not seen: for the things that are seen are temporal; but the things that aren't seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

This is not a cruise. It's a voyage to a destination. I am not here to sight-see, to be entertained, or to gorge myself with decadent buffet food amidst luxury accommodations. Rather, I am bracing my dinghy against the wind, bailing out the water, when needed, with great anticipation for what lies at the end of the journey. That's what I signed up for and that's what keeps me rowing when my arms get tired.

Life at Sea

My life over the last few years has included an interesting chain of events that I could never have imagined. These years have been saturated with job loss, sickness, death, and financial distress. I have attended an unprecedented number of funerals, visited and prayed for countless loved ones with critical health situations, and am currently experiencing some wonky issues in my own body. Being one for neatness and order, I am astounded by the realization that despite the unceasing turbulence of late, I am more content than I have ever been. God's peace has constantly sustained me and I have discovered life at sea--

Away for terra firma, in the unfamiliar, with the uncertainty of the stormy sea dashing at will against my little boat, I have found that even there my saviour's love extends to me. I am at peace, resting in Him who has never failed me and continues to meet my every need.

" Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

Labor

I remember the nights that I went into labor with both of my children. With my first, it started slowly with what felt like the Braxton-Hicks contractions that had become routine at the end of my pregnancy so I was a bit reserved in declaring it labor until I had exhausted most of the wee hours of the night enduring recurring intervals of intensifying pain. By the second baby, I knew the difference between those mild Braxtons and the serious business that would soon usher my newborn into the world. I was thus able to declare go-time much earlier.

As I examine the landscape of our time with the unrest in the Middle East and the sea surging in unusual places, while people misplace their hope in elected officials, and refuse to hear sound teaching, I can't help but think that it is time to make sure that I have my bag packed and ready by the door.

"Then He spoke to them a parable: “Look at the fig tree, and all the trees. When they are already budding, you see and know for yourselves that summer is now near. So you also, when you see these things happening, know that the kingdom of God is near. Assuredly, I say to you, this generation will by no means pass away till all things take place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away." Luke 21:29-33

Trompe L'oeil

Though one would never suspect it from a cursory glance at this photo-anemic blog, I am such a visual person. I have professed my love of design in a previous post and many other posts have been inspired by things that I have experienced with my eyes. I suspect that I am far from alone in this.

In spite of that, the circumstances of the last several years are reinforcing in me a greater understanding that my eyes can't always be trusted. I am learning how to really walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7), like Abraham not to weaken in my faith due to the details (Romans 4:17), and to trust that "God gives life to things that were dead and calls things that are not as though there were." (Romans 4:19)

Many years ago, I heard a speaker on the radio give a definition of the word "fear" as "false evidence appearing real". (I remember it because it's succinct and a visually appealing acronymn.) I have found that fear is a favorite strategy of the enemy. He loves to illuminate circumstances and situations that loom in opposition to God's promises, attempt to shift the focus on those instead of our Heavenly Father, and allow the mental spiral that comes from losing real perspective to cause a riot in our minds. It reminds me of the art form known as "trompe l'oeil", which translates, "fools the eye." Every detail must be meticulously executed in a work of this genre to make it appear real. It's more than smoke and mirrors, but no matter how convincing the imitation, it's never what it appears to be.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take every captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 2:5

History

Like most American school children, I studied history through out my formative educational years, first through twelveth grades, in either social studies, or some form of history class. But, it wasn't until I went to college, that I really developed a love for the subject. Prior to my college coursework, the education of history had always been limited to rote memorization of dates, and disembodied events, that for me seemed to have no real connection or particular significance. As a student of color, I was even more disenfranchised, since the only mention of my history was about two paragraphs long as a sidenote to the rest of the chapter. When I got to college, I remember sitting in Dr. Horowitz's and Dr. Milner's classes and having my hair blown back. In both of those courses, attention was given to the cultural and cognitive paradigms behind the events. That changed the game. Suddenly, history was fascinating, and relevant to my own personal experience. It put things into perspective and provided understanding into how those dates and events that I'd previously learned about effected things in the present. I was hooked. I still am.

I have been doing some reading that has got me thinking about the history of spiritual warfare. Not unlike school children, we are fed small focus political points on pet issues that don't illuminate the whole picture. In this election year, we are, once again, led to focus on abortion rights, the economy, education, healthcare, and the other usual suspects. What we don't often see is how all of these "cultural" issues are inextricably linked and the spiritual agenda behind them. Like the 3-D posters from the eighties that I blogged about in a previous post, we must stop focusing on the individual pixels, and come to see the sum of the parts. Only then will we understand what we are seeing.

"Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom; and with all thy getting, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7

3-D

About a decade ago, 3-d images were all the rage. It seems that you couldn't enter a shopping mall without seeing a group of individuals, gathered around a picture while contorting themselves into all sorts of unnatural postures to find the hidden treasure. To my untrained eye there was never anything more than a canvas containing a million tiny pixels. But, if I observed the crowd long enough, some one would inevitably see the image, in their delight exclaim, "Oh, I see it. It's a B-2 bomber!", and then try to help everyone else see it. ("Close your left eye, and assume the Karate Kid pose.") To me, however, it remained mere dots on paper. I was one of the poor slobs that could never see it, try as I might. And, I really wanted to see it.

That's how it seems to be with faith in Christ. Once you've had a moment of "seeing" like Paul on the road to Damascus (who's seeing was ironically accompanied by the temporary loss of his eyesight) and Isaiah who's encounter with the living God made him also see himself for who he really was, there is no going back. Faith reveals the hidden treasure that once seen, there is no ability to unsee.

Though, I missed out on countless opportunities to see 3-d images leap off of canvases and share in the excitement of having seen them, I am so thankful for the privilege of daily encountering the living God who continues to reveal himself to me (no contortion, required). Like those individuals at the mall, I want everyone to see.

"Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it."
Luke 10:25

"For the message of the cross if foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
1 Corinthians 1:18

Science

I curled up on the couch next to my hubby after work last night, and caught the end of a program on PBS that he had been watching entitled, The History of Science: Can We Have Unlimited Power? As the title indicates, the show chronicled the time line of scientific discoveries about energy, and detailed how those discoveries led to inventions that changed our way of living.

There were two things of particular interest to me. The first was the work of scientist Alessandro Volta, who studied the Torpedo fish. By examining the dissected anatomy of this fish to learn the source of the electric charge that it emitted to stun it's prey, he was able to replicate the design and produce what came to be known as the "voltaic pile." We know it as the battery. Had this fish not been designed, but simply the result of random chaos, this replication would have been impossible. As far as I know, it is not possible to exactly replicate chaos, as it has no rhyme or reason. And, designs come from designers; even the simple ones.

The other was the discovery of radium. At first, it was thought to be producing energy out of nowhere in defiance of the first law of thermodynamics-the conservation of energy which states that, "there is no new matter or energy coming into existence and there is no new matter or energy passing out of existence." It was later understood, however, that radium's output of energy resulted in a loss of mass. As it gives off energy, it decomposes and becomes something else, like lead. That spoke to me, once again, about how the natural mirrors the spiritual. As we surrender ourselves to God, and allow the light of Christ to shine through us, we shrink away--losing "mass" and become a new creation. That is exactly what I am trying to do.

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

Guest

On a recent morning when the house had emptied out and was quiet, I was considering how I would spend the day. This is what occurred to me:

Today (nor any other day for that matter), was not my idea. This is God's doing. I neither commanded the sun to rise, nor allowed my body to exit the state of rest that it entered into last night. I am merely an invited guest. As such, it behooves me to ask my host what he had in mind when he graciously invited me to participate. I am confident that his plan for the day is wonderful and, in addition to the invitation, God will also extend sufficient grace to overcome any obstacles that beset my path in fulfilling his purpose for this day.

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and he delights in his way. Though he fall he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

Sci-Fi

I watched part of a documentary on PBS about hummingbirds the other day. Those tiny birds have always fascinated me and I wanted to learn more about them. Before seeing this film, I hadn't realized that there were so many different types of hummingbirds, some exclusive to certain regions of the planet, with subtle variations in color, body, and beak shape. The narrator explained these differences in each bird as the result of evolutionary processes by which the flowers, in an effort to survive, had enticed the birds to dine. The birds, in return had adapted the shape of their beaks to feed off of specific flowers. Michael Pollan presented the same argument in his documentary The Botany of Desire which aired several months ago. He blushingly admitted that, while he didn't believe that tulips had cognitive abilities, they had somehow communicated their desirability to the human race and we in turn, fell for them, and continue to cultivate them since our initial infatuation. Wow!

Is it really easier to believe that tulips and fuchsias, though lacking the abilities to either think or reason, can somehow hatch a scheme to gain advocacy with humans and the animal kingdom, than it is to see the evidence of a master plan repeated over and again throughout the known universe? Is there more comfort in supposing that we exist as the result of some happy accident that produced the perfect environmental requirements for our existence and can just as easily, and randomly, alter the physical environment to adversarial conditions that result in our demise? For me, the answer is a resounding, no.

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these." Luke 12:27

Encounter

I am by nature a skeptic; a real "show me the money" kinda girl; a marketers nightmare. I can usually spot a con a mile away and am not generally wooed by bells nor whistles. (This, by the way, further explains my love of great design because instead of relying on gimmicks, it simply demonstrates evidence of a well thought out, beautifully executed plan.)

So, I was reading one of my favorite passages in Hebrews which defines faith as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." From there, it lists in detail a number of champions of faith and the specifics of what they were commended for. As I pause to consider these individuals, I realized that the faith demonstrated by these men and women requires a deep unshakable knowing. It was not just the product of wishful thinking. This level of faith requires a personal, life changing encounter with the living God. Like my brothers and sisters documented in the eleventh chapter of Hebrews, my faith transcends my skepticism. It is not the best answer that I could find to a difficult question, to be discarded and replaced when a better one surfaces. It is the result of personally encountering God, when I was not even looking for him, and finding my heart's home.

11:00 pm

The Situation: We seem to have reached critical mass: our income is still down roughly 80% if not more, my husband's unemployment extension is set to run out this month, the bank has promised to end our tenure as homeowners early next month, and the government program to assist homeowners in our situation has gone into a coma. It is 11:00. The sea water is up to our necks. Something's gotta give.

The Facts:
(1.) God has promised that He will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5)

(2.) God has further promised that He will supply all of our needs according to His riches and glory (Philippians 4:19) which are detailed in His financial portfolio as "the Earth and everything in it" (Psalm 24:1) not to mention the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10)

The Fine Print:
(1.) He told us to ask (James 1:6-8) ("check")

(2.) He asked that we trust in Him with all of our hearts, not try to figure this out with our limited logic, but that we instead acknowledge Him and let him lead out (Proverbs 3:5-6) ("check")

(3.)He told us to wait (Psalm 27:14) ("check")

I trust that our time in this crucible will soon be ending. I don't believe that He will let us drown.

"Let me not be put to shame O Lord, for I have cried out to you" Psalm 31:17

Loathsome

Last Friday, the tragedies in Japan had me thinking about the New Testament passages in Mathew 24, Mark 13, and Luke 21 in which Jesus details the events of the end of the age to his disciples. So I decided to re-read those familiar scriptures. The promise of earthquakes, famine, war, and pestilence are listed there, but what especially resonated with me that day was the statement in Luke 21:17 that says that, "All men will hate you because of me."

This was not news to me. I have read those words countless times and am also very conscious of the drastic cultural shift in this country away from Christianity and the things of God. In addition, I have lived for 41 years as a minority in an ethnically homogenous part of the United States and have personally experienced contempt from individuals that don't appreciate the beautiful texture of my outer canvas. Still, I took a moment to meditate on that statement and thought about how one prepares to be totally hated. No one wants to be hated. It goes against human nature. AW Tozer said it most eloquently in his work The Divine Conquest in which he asserts,

the desire to please men is back of all social acts from the highest civilizations to the lowest levels levels upon which human life is found. No one can escape it. The outlaw who flouts the rules of society and the philosopher who rises in thought above its common ways may seem to have escaped from the snare, but they have in reality merely narrowed the circle of those they desire to please.

As such, preparation for such a state of existence requires a paradigm shift which only comes from having one's mind renewed. (Romans 12:2) It is necessary to adopt the attitude of Christ (who made himself nothing and took on the persona of a servant to achieve His mission according to Philippians 2:5-8), to acknowledge that the life we live is no longer our own (Romans 8), and to keep our eyes on the prize (Romans 8:17-25)

Remix

While I've never considered myself a pessimist, and have long sought to enjoy the blessings of life, lately I have discovered a "whole--'notha--level" of happiness.* For example, today as I stood in the rain wondering if the bus that I had seen pass moments before I arrived at the stop was the one I needed to catch, I realized that this potential elicited neither panic nor even annoyance. It simply meant a possible change of plans. As I reflect on this and other moments of sheer bliss recently, it occurs to me that God is doing something really cool during this season. He is remodeling my interior terrain. During the worst financial storm of my adult life, I am more carefree than I have been since I was a very small child. And, it feels amazing.

"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3


*That one was for you, Babe.

Control

Psalm 151 a psalm of me, not David.

My life and I are His idea, for He is the author.
I yield to His masterful narrative. I am His story to tell.
He is in control.

He has allowed this storm for reasons that I do not understand;
The wind and storm waters are solely His possessions.
I trust Him.
He is in control.

I will rest in Him even though the wind, cold and biting, loudly howls around me; though the cold rain pierces to the flesh.
I am drenched, and shivering.
He is in control.

Still, I will fix my eyes and ears upon the conductor; the only one who understands the rhythm of this cacophony.
He is in control. I am grateful to follow His lead.

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord. Always give thanks to God for everything in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:19-20

January

On my walk this morning, I was mentally chronicling all of the reasons that I love this month. I will share:

It's slow. The pace of January is refreshing after the busyness of the holidays. It's unhurried.

It's new. Like crawling into a bed with freshly laundered sheets, the first month of the year is fresh and unwrinkled. It feels new and delicious.

It's hopeful. There is much to anticipate: the first bulbs of spring, summer at the beach, digging in the garden, sun tea, the crunch of leaves in the fall, and all of the occasions and events that mark the year.

I am grateful for another opportunity to take a spin around the sun on this big blue marble that we call home. I believe that it is going to be a great one.

Roadtrip

When our family lived in the Midwestern cornfields of Illinois, we occasionally needed a city fix. So, we'd jump into our car and make the two hour drive North toward Chicago or Schaumburg. It was a pretty straight shot and the terrain was fairly homogeneous: a long stretch of black asphalt surrounded by farmland as far as the eye could see. Every so often, we'd reach an encouraging landmark that would serve as an indication of how far we'd progressed and give us some indication of how far yet remained until we reached our destination. It was not a terribly exciting trip visually, but good music, great conversation, and the promise of soaking in all that awaited us at journey's end made it worth our while.

That's how I feel at the beginning of 2011. We are still on the same road that we found ourselves on during most of 2010. Unlike that little highway to Chicago, it has been wrought with bumps, twists, and turns. Yet is has been a ride filled with peace as we've surrendered with complete trust to the navigator. Though, we've never been on this stretch of road, He has. And, since we are still moving forward, we must be getting closer- even though the scenery has not changed much.
I so look forward to stretching out my legs and sending out some postcards.